Post 12

Not a day goes by when I don’t think of you whether it’s seeing your photo, finding a school paper, noticing a trophy, or just thinking about what to make for dinner.

a few days ago, i was at a pool party with Cole. there was homemade mac’n’cheese. it felt so weird to say my kids don’t like mac’N’cheese. In my head I’m screaming that my oldest loves mac’n’cheese. but these people dont know you to say anything about you only opens doors to many many questions and sadness.

i found myself saying i have 3 kids at a job interview. it broke my heart. you are my child. i love you with every breath i take. saying i only have 3 children is not to forget you or pretend you don’t exist. it is simply a way to hold myself together and not open the door for others to ask questions.

questions that i know will open the floodgates and hurt my heart.

i love you. you are my child. i would love so much to be in each others lives. I want all good things for you.

i hope we can soon get to know each other again.

xoxo